I have realized, through reading other blogger’s posts, that I am a horrible blogger, and that is ok. I write on here as time permits, and I write my feelings. No one can tell me I am wrong in how I feel, because I am me, and I grieve differently than others. I would love to write more, but the words just don’t ever come out the way they are intended.
Gun deer season approaches tomorrow morning, and it is also accompanying the departure of my wife and kids to visit my mother-in-law in Alabama. They will be travelling, leaving me alone for another season, to sit in a stand with my thoughts, all alone. In the past, this was a place of comfort, a place where I could sit and think and just feel nature around me. Now, from my stand, I can see the tree responsible for the walnuts that ultimately led to our horrible tragedy. Tomorrow will be another hard day in my life, as I again sit alone with my thoughts.
The only comfort I have is that I know where my son is, and at times I can feel his spirit around me, filling me with warmth and comforting my broken heart and soul. This would have been Derek’s 2nd hunt, and will be Lucas’ first when he comes back. I can sit back and imagine what it would be like tomorrow morning, as the 3 of us sit in a blind, perhaps one of them tagging along with Grandpa Dennis. But I can only imagine the excitement, as I myself once felt at that age, not knowing if I was asleep or awake the night before, imagining bagging the trophy whitetail.
I guess that is where my center will be tomorrow. I will imagine what Derek would be like on opening morning. I will imagine what would be going through his mind as the sun rose in the East, filling our farm with a crisp orange hue, causing the frost tipped leaves to slowly drip water, the sun sparkling on each and every bead. That is what I will think of tomorrow as I sit there (probably getting rained on). What would Derek be thinking right now? Perhaps when Lucas gets back next week, we can share that together as he looks to harvest his first deer.
But until then, I will sit with my thoughts, out in the deer stand, reminding myself that Derek’s spirit will be with me the entire way. Derek would want me to enjoy the hunt. He’d be counting the number of animals we saw, the time when the first shot was fired, right down to the number of crows circling overhead. It’s important to stay positive, to enjoy the moment. The family is only a phone call away. Until next time…
Steve
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